The health visitor, apparently, apologised when she came and saw Stace today. Said that she was wrong, and that Stace was obviously a good mum and Ellie does react to her, and they have the bond a mother and daughter should. Also apparently, the day of the meeting has changed from tuesday to monday - which is nice - and they haven't let us know if the time has changed. Arse-bandits.

This poses a problem because mondays are delivery day at work, and my boss is a fucking psycho. However, it's tough shit - either I go freely or I walk out of there, either way I am going to that meeting. Monkey-boy can deal with it as he sees fit after that.

The kids were vaccinated again today, and apparently they took it...well, differently. Thomas bitched once and shut up after a cuddle from Stace, and Ellie...brought the house down with her banshee-shriek (no, Dawn, not THAT kind, just the ordinary undead-screaming-psycho-woman-from-hell kind). But there ya go.

Last night, when we were tidying things away and making stuff ready for going to bed, a nice song came on the radio. I mean really soft, romantic type stuff here. And when it did, I had an idea. I nipped into the bathroom, got a triple pack of candles we had in there and lit them. Then I walked back into the kitchen area, turned off the light and stopped Stacey from what she was doing. Then we danced. Just...held each other close, danced together, enjoyed the moment. Beautiful, heartfelt, spontaneous. And she was really moved by it, too, which was kinda what I wanted. I wanted to make her see, somehow, that I love her and only her, above all else and despite my recent troubles.

I like to hink she got the message.

Love you lots, Stabbycat xxx

Yes, I'm back. Such a shame it's to once again describe my awful, shameful actions.
However, that said, it is now in the past and stopped, but the effects are a little longer lasting than that.
So...here it is:

During the episode a few weeks ago with Stace and Dave being so close (as friends, mind, but the issues with me and her could have driven her to make it more than that, had I fucked up further) I...well, I lost myself. Convinced that I had lost Stacey already, I fell into a dark state of mind - not quite depression, but not too dissimilar - and began talking to an "ex" of mine who is also on LJ. There's no need to go into the histrionics, but from the get-go I should have known that it was simply my state of mind driving me that way; I began flirting and talking about being with her pretty much as soon as I spoke to her, and I eventually got to a state of mind where I felt that the kids and Stacey would be better without me. Me and the Hell-Floozy-Psycho-Bunny-Boiler from Hell made plans to meet at some point, just for the sake of actually meeting again (although, somehow, I think we both knew that sex was implied.) But Stacey - thankfully - caught me out.
She told me to not contact the bitch again, after I had talked some drivel about how I felt something for this girl. So I said yes, but I'd had it in mind to carry on just the same. I said that when I didn't speak to her I could hardly breath (which we later established was in fact guilt, and my brain trying to convince me I felt something that I actually didn't.) I had said that I had no appetite (see previous.) I said that I loved her as much as Stacey (which. Was. BALLS.)
Then she caught me again, this time declaring my non-existent love to this pathetic wastrel of a creature.
Stacey, naturally, confronted me and asked me what the fuck I was doing. I could barely answer - which was another sign that I felt nothing of what I thought - and after a protracted argument in town, I broke down. I was convinced that I had feelings for this person, that the kids were better with me gone and Stacey would be happier with Dave. She asked me to decide...and made the wrong choice. I said I wanted this useless wretch, to leave and be gone for good. But Stacey...my wonderful, delightful Stacey...she refused to believe it. She reached into the dark place I was in, she found me and dragged me back again. She told me that the kids love me and need me, that SHE loved me and always would, and that she was going to find me no matter where I fell. And she pulled the veil from my eyes, made me see what was REALLY there (or not, as the case may be) and showed me that I was really just hurt over the whole situation with Stace and Dave.
Somehow, she brought me back, and for some reason she actually wanted to.

Only now, things are edgy. She can barely trust me with the slightest thing, and thinks that if she upsets me the slightest bit I'll go back to the puny thing that was my ex. I won't, but she can't believe that. It also brought social services down on us, hard - that's right. That situation with the SS and the meeting and everything? My fault. Oh, and Stacey's depression? Yep, me too.

So now, I'm fighting to repair the damage of my actions. I'll do all I can to heal what I can, but in the end, only time will tell how successful I'll be.

But she saved me when I didn't deserve it, and refused to turn away from me when I was at my most bleak. Now it's my turn to repay the favour.

Friends only from here on in. Thanks.

Right, here we go:


There are a lot of people who need to hear a few things but simply refuse to listen. So read on, and maybe you'll learn a few things.

DeeTee - Maybe, at some point, I was out of line. But you were arrogant, refused to listen to my points and called me a bad father before I had even had chance to be one. You were out of order for that, but more so for completely ignoring your nephew. We never said you couldn't see Thomas, you chose that path. I don't see why he should suffer for the feud between you and I, though.

Gayle and Jen - Mind your own damn business. The feud was beween me, Stace and my mum, and had nothing to do with you two.

Oh, and she really wouldn't want to meet you either. She has a child and a bump to parent, in the mature fashion that she maintains.

Mum - you may never read this, but that's okay. You'll know about it eventually. You can't hide behind the idea that everything is fine, and think that you can get away with anything you like because you can't. I am still very hurt by what happened, but I am less likely to scream at you about it.


Okay, so it lacks impact. But you get the idea. Besides, I can edit.

I want to take this opportunity to tell everyone how special Stacey is to me.

She is a truly wonderful woman, a fighter of immense strength who is a real inspiration to me. She is funny, intelligent and an absolute joy to hang out with. She is a devoutly loyal friend, a passionate lover and a caring fiance, and a more outstanding person I have yet to meet. She has triumphed over adversity more times than I care to mention, giving rise to my special nickname for her: Phoenix.
She has depths to her that so many people overlook, purely because they take what they see at face value and don't think that she is masking the true her. All of her humour, her mad streak, and her undying love and loyalty are deeper than what she shows on the surface, but people don't understand her.

My time with her has been truly magical these past three years, and I know that for the rest of my life I shall never meet anyone even half as devoted and inspiring as her. She makes my life worthwhile, because each day of it is now lived for her.


With love, to my Dark Phoenix on Valentine's Day. xxxx

Someone has apparently commented on Stacey's journal (we won't name names - partially because they wish to remain anonymous, partially because we know who they are and do not intend to spark another fight) and thinking they know what's going on. AGAIN. Thing is, they really don't. Not this time. Oh well. Just have to hope they put up and shut up next time.

We really don't go out of our way to be insulting about Cameron, my second cousin. We are genuinely concerned for his development (or lack thereof.) He doesn't just not crawl, he doesn't DO anything. At ALL. He is just....not there, so we've heard. So what if things like crawling aren't milestones? There's a LOT of things that Thomas does - that most babies at 9 months do - that Cameron ISN'T doing. Like everything. If someone gets him checked out, we'll shut up and leave it alone, but from what we've heard he is not right.


Anyway, just a quickie 'til wednesday. Was it as good for you? ;)

Wonderful. Now, my oh-so-charming - and, naturally, perfect and beyond reproach - cousins Jennifer and Gayle are getting their own un-sought opinions aired on Stacey's journal. Of course, they don't attack ME when I respond, oh no. They keep hounding Stacey, because being pregnant she is the easier target. These two hounds need to BACK THE FUCK OFF, along with any other members of my so-called family who think they know the entire situation and that they know better, and leave this to the people involved - me, Stacey and my mum.

I know that this may be a little tricky for them to understand, so I will put it in plain, simple language that they can follow:

Jen. Gayle. Go bye-bye now. Family go 'way now. Ug.

There, that should cover it...

Now, I am really quite offended. Jennifer's comment was nothing short of ludicrous, especially as it spanned (or is that spammed?) two whole "pages" to be precise. She slated Stacey, she slated me, all without ever having actually bothered to get her facts straight. The same goes for Gayle: she thinks she knows what's best, when she doesn't know a damned thing about the situation.

So to both of you: stop talking about something you are woefully uneducated on.

*breathes*

And relax.

So, in other news, Caz is looking after Thomas tomorrow, and we are looking forward to it. A little time for Thomas to see his auntie, and for us to spend some time just...together. Stace has needed this break for a long time, and we are immensely thankful to Cabbage for doing this. She rocks!

Oh, and since all this fiasco with family was sparked by my charming mother, we are getting our views aired on saturday and then cutting her off. She can be grandmother to Thomas, and Thomas alone, but other than that there is no contact. If she can play the victim to this extent, she is no family of mine. It hurts to say that, but sadly, she has gone too far. I can't be around her, knowing how far she pushed me in the past and how she treated Stacey and I in recent months. I am sick of the fighting, sick of the feuds...I am just sick. I want it all to end, now. It is not fair on Stacey, Thomas or my unborn daughter.
But most of all, I am sick of losing my family members. I love my family, I really do. But this whole turd of a war has turned several members against me, and Darren turned on me ages ago the minute I grew an opinion. I can't lose any more of my family - but I know that the moment I cut my mum off, I will do just that.
Fine. If that is the sacrifice I must make for my OWN family's sake, then I will make it willingly. The two (soon to be three) other people in my own household mean more to me than all of my other family members put together - and yes, that means my dad too. My dad is amazing, and I would lay down my life in his defence...but if I had to choose between losing him and losing Stace, Thomas and Ellie? It would be a knife-wound, but I would sacrifice even him. Blood may be thicker than water, but love transcends such purely physical notions.


Great. I'm in no mood to carry on with this one.

Back tomorrow.

I am becoming increasingly cheesed off with my boss. I asked if he could pay me friday, he paid me today. I wanted to be paid a normal amount of money, I get paid spare change, weekly. Were I living on my own it wouldn't be so bad, but I have a family to support and rent to pay, and because I work Housing Benefit would also be peanuts. I want a real job, with real pay and real hours, and preferably some prospect of a career. I'm basically at Globe for the experience and skills, and the things my boss can put in a reference (position of responsibility, cash handling, hard-working, etc.)
Maybe then I can get a job worthy of my age and ability.

Thomas has apparently been on and off today. He's had his moments, but mostly he's been okay. He still bitches when Stacey tries to do anything constructive - like eat - thus meaning that she gets too little time to do anything for herself or the house. Still, she tries her hardest, and she still amazes me with what she manages to do. I am so very proud of her for her hard work, and I swear, once Ellie is born, I am buying Stace the biggest, fattest, most expensive bunch of flowers this side of the Brazilian Rainforest. And some chocolates. Belgian ones.
Basically, she deserves a medal and a whole lot of kudos. She's a true mother, and I am honoured to share her company.

I can't wait until Sunday - plenty of bed time with Stace and I also get to help her out with Thomas, and she gets a big-assed lay in. Also, I get a whole day with her glorious company, which always makes the world seem brighter. Lately it seems like my life is lived inside - either on a bus, at work or at home. I am constantly in a shell, and it becomes...suffocating sometimes. I want to get out and about sometimes, you know? That's why saturdays (my half day) and sundays are so important to me - I get to actually LIVE a little bit.

Bah! computers are going off soon, so I gots to go.

Well, be seeing you.

Well, Christmas is over and now we await new year. The presents are opened, the snacks still being finished off, the calories still waiting to be burnt off.

However, it wasn't all fun and games. Oh, no.
See, me and Stace wanted to go and visit my mum on Christmas day, for a couple of reasons:
1. we had still not unpacked everything, and so the house was a little cramped.

2. It was Thomas' first christmas ever, and we thought she would like to see him for that. Also, we wnated to give him a GOOD christmas, which we couldn't do properly in a house that was still mostly in boxes.

3. We had no Sky, and only one channel of normal TV. No DVDs, very little music, and what we did have wasn't suitable.

4. We just wanted to spend the time as a family.

Not unreasonable, is it? Well, she obviously thought so, because when we asked she said no. Just like that. Her reason? She's cleaning and tidying for when the rest of my extended family come down at New Year. Understandable enough, but then we found out it was bollocks - she ACTUALLY sacrificed her first christmas with her grandson to SLEEP ON THE SOFA. She had done NOTHING that was worth ignoring us, and yet she still didn't want us there.
So, Eventually - after my dad had a few angry words with her because he felt the same - she agreed to let us have TWO BLOODY HOURS in the evening. So when we asked if we could stay the night for the sake of Thomas and his routine, she said no. She bitched about "moving the goalposts", which I didn't, I merely asked if we could stay for the sake of Thomas' routine. But she then says, "well you should have just said we can't do it cos we've got Thomas in a routine, and not come over." Yes, because that wouldn't completely destroy the point of coming over, would it? So I told her this, and she throws a fit saying that she had said no and that was it.

Why all of this? Because Darren, my oh-so-charming brother, was visiting this week. She just couldn't bring herself to tell us, instead opting to lie and bullshit her way out of everything. She was little more than childish, and so in response - to this and the many other times she has failed to be reasonable - I am breaking contact for now and stopping her from seeing Thomas. Ever since my son was born, she has forgotten about me and done everything for him. Never mind the fact that TWICE now we have been in need of financial aid, just to stop us being homeless, and both times she "had to think about it." Never mind the fact that if we needed £40 to get food for US, we had to tell her it was for Thomas or else she wouldn't help.

You may say I'm being harsh. I say I'm being sidelined for no reason by my own mother, and I have had enough. That, and the fact that she still refuses to accept or acknowledge Stacey as Thomas' mother (except when it suits her), are all reasons why I am taking such a drastic course of action. I don't want to do this, believe me - but I will no longer stand back and watch my mum alienate my fiance and myself. I have had enough.

In other news, Caz has finally made contact. She is well, and she is very happy with her new fella. We are happy for her too, and at the moment she is staying with us for...well, a long while, we hope. It's hoped that she'll be able to help Stacey at times when i can't, ie when I'm at work, and especially support her when she goes into labour. But, best laid plans and all that...
Still, it's just really good to see a friendly face. She's our closest friend and has always been ready to help us in any way she can, and to have her around is a blessing. It also makes life more fun, because it brings out Stacey's best sides (she has quite a few, she's like a decagon or something.)

Work is going well. Already I am allowed to open, having only been there a week, and I am now frequently left on my own to run the shop (it is only small.) It's a good job if not well paid, but the fact is I feel so much better since leaving Sainsbury's. That place was just too much hassle, and now I am in a place where I really feel able to get on with the job.
Also i get to read the latest papers and magazines as they come out, so that helps! (read the new White Dwarf today - nothing really interesting in there this month, but it was good to be up to date.) Also saw the new Flypast aviation mag, and starting reading - but didn't get to finish - an article on the Mosquito, which for the uneducated is one of the best multi-role aircraft we created during the second world war. It's gorgeous too, which helps.


Well then, there we go. My dad and Stacey are my only allies in the ongoing war, work is good, Stace is healthy but tired a lot and Caz is our crazed, loveable pet Gremlin that we keep in the cupboard. Nice.

My 20th. I took a two-week holiday to Canada (I live in the UK) by myself, and stayed in Toronto. Treated myself to a dinner at the 360 restaraunt, went to Medieval Times, and generally enjoyed some time away from the world as I knew it. It was also around the time the huge power outage hit half of the Eastern Seaboard, so there were a few days there we were in near-total darkness at the hotel - which only made it better when I went to one of the hotel's bars, and enjoyed a couple of cocktails by candlelight. Really nice.

Again, in response to yummymummy88's latest public post, here is my top things I don't like and absolutely adore about Stacey, my little Stabbycat:

What I dislike:

1. Her stubbornness - Grrr!
2. She has a monopoly on the TV remote. Look, just once in a while, I would really like to see Star Trek: Voyager or Sharpe, Okay? (I promise there'll be no BabyTv involved, regardless of how cool Puzzle, Inc. may be.)
3. Her mild hypocrisy. She burps like Barney Gumble, I applaud. I burp like a flea and she moans for three days about how I'm such a stereotypical male. Bitch.
4. Her annoyance at diseases - but that's kinda warranted. It just irks me.
5. She obsesses over my story. Hey, I can't help being talented, okay? :P
6. She won't ask for help. EVER.
7. She loses everything. Mostly the TV remote, which is every five seconds, but everything else, as well.
8. She assumes the worst. I yawn once, she thinks I'm about to sleep for three weeks just for the hell of it. Bitch.
9. Her lack of confidence (a by-product of her traumatic childhood) - you are gorgeous, okay? Get over it.
10. Her stubbornness - Grrr!

:D:D:D

Now, what do I love about her? How long ya got...

1. Her humour.
2. Her expressions.
3. Her cute voices that she puts on, just for me.
4. Her hugs.
5. Her kisses.
6. Her beautiful eyes.
7. Her face in general.
8. Her...sexual talent ;)
9. Her sexy legs :D
10. Her breasts.
11. Hell, just her whole body.
12. Her hair.
13. Sleeping beside her - she's just so perfect to hold.
14. Her loyalty.
15. She's my lover and my best friend.
16. She cares for who I really am.
17. She accepts my geekiness - including my Warhammer 40K. In fact, she encourages me.
18. She likes to see the models I've painted.
19. She indulges me in conversations she has no interest in, ie, military differences between us and the States.
20. She's just the most wonderful woman who has ever claimed to love me, only she actually does.

I could go on forever, but I think most people got fed up around number 4. Ah well - she's worth it :D


Love you forever, sweetie xxx

In response to yummymummy88's latest free-for-all post, I am to write ten things I like about myself, and a list of ten things I don't like about myself and what I intend to do about them. So, here goes:


Ten things I don't like about myself

1.I am lazy.
Follow the housework lists around the house and focus on doing housework before anything else.
2.I speak out of turn in arguments.
Learn to think about what is being said before I bullshit/deny/do anything.
3.I am generally argumentative.
Think before I speak, and remember - Stacey is PREGNANT.
4.I eat more than I ought to.
After Stacey gives birth, diet with her.
5.I sometimes offend people with my sense of humour.
Watch what I'm saying, and be more tactful.
6.I come off grumpy with my ranting and/or general mood.
Lighten the fuck up, and rant less in any three-minute period.
7.I ignore Thomas too much.
Spend more time with him, and make more of an effort to randomly pick him up.
8.I ignore Stacey too much.
Talk more, love more.
9.I rely too much on Stacey.
Take some of the slack myself by making an effort to be more independent.
10.I think I'm right too often.
Accept that I am wrong, and stop arguing the toss to the point of infuriation.
11.I tell Stacey important things too late.
When it happens, TELL HER.

So, that's the negatives. So what are my good points?

1.I have gorgeous eyes. Seriously, they're great. They change colour :D

2.I am witty. My sense of humour maybe a little confusing to some, but I can still make people laugh.

3.I'm loyal unto death.

4.My love is unconditional, and only ever for one person.

5.I'm a geek and proud of it.

6.I'm a talented writer.

7.Actually, I have a few talents...

8.I have a good sense of direction?

9.I'm relatively good-looking.

10.I'm a great hugger.

So, there you have it. My highs and my lows, all in one easily accessible post. Why don't you try? It's fun and humbling...yet you also get to brag about how great you are :P

You won't like me for this, but I don't care.

http://www.evilbible.com/Jesus_Lied.htm

A brief quote from here:
" A lot of Christians ignore what Jesus actually says in the Bible. They also tend to add things to the actual words to make them say something else. If you honestly and truthfully read these quotes, without adding to them, it is very easy to see that Jesus is not saying that God will think about your prayers. He says God will grant all your prayers. Clearly, God doesn’t grant all prayers and this proves that Jesus was a habitual liar."

More links:
http://www.evilbible.com/Biblical%20Contradictions.htm

http://www.evilbible.com/Rape.htm

http://www.evilbible.com/christians_are_hypocrites.htm

Enjoy!

Right. Don't ask.

Anyhoo, Stace has been rather creative of late, and has created two new communities:

vampiricrage - this one is a ranty community, where you go to just rant about anything and everything.

24weeks_dead - a community for debate regarding abortion, in all it's shapes and forms.

Take a good look, post if you have something to say, and make Stacey a happy lady. I for one will be very interested in reading your views. Especially read the Kerry Katona rant, it's rather amusing :D

Thanks for listening!

Michaela, the utterly horrid creature who, sadly, is in fact Stacey's mother, has apparently done something very sick (again). She has started talking to the vile degenerate who raped Stace at 13, purely out of spite.

See, Stace stopped talking to her mother recently because of...well, a lot of reasons, but the main reason was that she had started to mess up Stacey's head again. As time went on, I told Stacey I didn't want the woman in her life, Thomas' life or Ellie's life any longer, and that I wanted to break contact with her. Stacey agreed, and in revenge Michaela began talking to that piece of shit again. And then moved him back in - again. She's using him as a live-in nursemaid, as he now does all the cleaning in there because she is too fat and lazy to do anything herself.

Now, Sam has started to suffer. You may remember that he is Stacey's little brother, still living in Oxford. He has been verbally abused lately, and he wants to come down here for a weekend as soon as he can. We'll make sure he gets some money to come and stay with us, but I'm just worried about him.

Here's hoping - that Sam is ok, and Michaela dies a horrific, lonely death.

Okay, we are currently stuck between these two venues for our wedding:

http://www.forbetterforworse.co.uk/venues/notley-abbey.shtml - Notley Abbey, which I know Figgy likes;

Or:

http://www.forbetterforworse.co.uk/venues/kirtlington.shtml - Kirtlington Park, which is practical and beautiful.


Suggestions and opinions are welcome :)

Possible wedding venues;


http://www.forbetterforworse.co.uk/venues/kirtlington.shtml

http://www.forbetterforworse.co.uk/venues/notley-abbey.shtml

http://www.forbetterforworse.co.uk/venues/eynsham-hall.shtml


what do you think people?

Health visitor came round today. She said that Thomas is the perfect weight for his size, and more importantly if that arse-raping reprobate Mark calls Social Services (because he's bored) then she will tell them that there is nothing wrong at all. Because there is, in fact, nothing wrong.

Not bad for a mother who starves her child, and a father who beats his woman, eh? ;)




Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, jackass.

Right. That is it. Pin your ears back, people, and listen the fuck up.

Stacey is not at fault. She does not make me feel like a child. Her shouting at me does not "make me go defensive". She does not make the mistakes, she is the one who has kept this relationship going almost single-handedly for the past two and a years, and I am SICK TO DEATH of everyone - EVERYONE - saying that she "allowed" me to do this shit.

That is BOLLOCKS. She has given me more chances than any man could ever rightfully ask for, she has gone on a break with me, she has SPLIT UP with me, shown me what I have to lose, and every time it has been ME at fault. It has been my choice - conscious or otherwise - to act the way I do and to "change" for all of about five minutes. Stacey has done nothing but fight for us, and I have been the one dragging us through the dirt.

How can you all say she is being a mother to me? She complains about feeling like my mother purely because I ask stupid questions and act like a teenager; as you can see this has nothing to do with her. No, she doesn't allow me to do it, she doesn't enable it, she rails at me to get me to change it, SIMPLE AS THAT. What do you expect of her, to lay down and take it? To sit idly by and watch while I screw up every single thing?

None of you are here, so you can never see the problem. But you all seem to have caught the wrong end of the stick and see it as being her fault, blaming her for it all and saying she also needs to change.

She does not. She is not at fault, as she has not done anything wrong here. Now she has left Livejournal, and its all because of everyone assuming it was her fault and blaming her. I will be crystal clear about this: It is ALL. MY. FAULT. You have done the damage, now back the hell off and leave her the FUCK alone.